Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an
investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,"
he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Saturday, 27 March 2010

Nervous Norvus

Another oddball singer who never really made much of an impression in the 50's. His biggest hit "Transfusion" is a bit of a cult classic. I love the mixture of rockabilly/skiffle with the cracked vocals and the sound effects.

Wikipedia says-

"Nervous Norvus was the performing name of Jimmy Drake (1912 in the Oakwood district of Los Angeles, California – July 24, 1968). His novelty song "Transfusion" was a major hit in 1956, as was a second song, "Ape Call," released later that year.

The lyrics in his song called "Transfusion" concern careless drivers who (cheerfully) receive blood transfusions after each accident. Graphic sounds of a car crash are included after each verse. Each stanza concludes with the refrain "Never never never gonna speed again" followed by lines such as "Slip the blood to me, Bud" or "Pour the crimson in me, Jimson." The song was banned on many radio stations of the '50s. The song was later played on the radio by DJ Barry Hansen, which reportedly led to Hansen's eventual nickname of Dr. Demento. A car crash sound effect from this song can be heard on "Dead Man's Curve" by Jan and Dean.

The song received a review from an unlikely source — personal-injury lawyer Melvin Belli — in his 1956 book Ready for the Plaintiff!, in which he says: "The ghoulish lyrics hiccup hysterically" but "wind up with a gem of jive-y wisdom that is strictly in the groove: 'Oh, barnyard drivers are found in two classes / Line-crowding hogs and speeding jackasses / So remember to slow down today!'" There was irony too, as Drake was employed as a truck driver, prior to his recording fame arising.

Nervous Norvus was born before World War I started, and was over 40 by the time he had his two hit singles in 1956. His records were made with input from radio personality Red Blanchard, to whom he was sending demos in the hope of finding an artist to record them. Blanchard had been an influence, particularly with the "jive" language employed in the lyrics.

After his brief time of glory, which amounted to less than six months, he concentrated on his demo service, providing music for other people's songs. He would charge around seven dollars to make these demos, some of which led to publishing contracts for the songwriters.

Contrary to popular belief, Drake was never a member of the Four Jokers. He was very shy and even turned down a chance to perform "Transfusion" on the Ed Sullivan Show. After a final single on the Dot record label ("The Fang" b/w "Bullfrog Hop"), the artist had his contract dropped. He only recorded sporadically thereafter for a series of independent labels like Embee ("Stoneage Woo" b/w "I Like Girls") and Big Ben, up to 1960. Nervous Norvus died in 1968 of cirrhosis of the liver, aged 56. A CD including hits and rare tracks, Stone Age Woo, was released by Norton Records in 2004. "Transfusion" also appears on Kenny Everetts' "The World's Worst record Show" (K-Tel label 1978)."

Nervous Norvus - Transfusion

Nervous Norvus - Kibble Kibble

Nervous Norvus - The Lean Green Vegetable Fiend

Nervous Norvus - I Hate Bugs

Friday, 26 March 2010

Barely Credible . . .

A Park Ranger was warning a group of tourists to Beware of the Bears in the Park.

"There are three types of bear hereabouts. The brown bear. The black bear. And the grizzly. You will not come across them very often. They are all quite secretive, and if you leave them alone, they will leave you alone. If you meet one, remember, they can outrun you. Stand still. Make yourself look as big as possible. Do not . . repeat DO NOT . . make eye contact. The bear will usually turn away. To be on the safe side, however, buy a pepper spray, availablle at the kiosk. Four dollars fifty. A good faceful of pepper sees them off"
One tourist asked "How can we tell if there are bears about?"

"Look out for their dropping on the trails." the Ranger replied.  "The brown bear's dropping are very like horse droppings.  The black bear's dropping are looser, and quite black, like he is. HaHa!  The grizzly is different.  He's a carnivore.  So his dropping may contain fragments of bone.  And smell strongly of pepper!"

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to check my email.

I look out of the window and the lawn looks dry.
So I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee asideso that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....


Tuesday, 23 March 2010

A gal's gotta do...


Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - Shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find him in the nude. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over.............
On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

"So here I am!"

Thursday, 18 March 2010

Four worms and a lesson learned

The Church of Ireland minister Rev. Paul Hewitt decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Rev. Hewitt reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Rev Paul Hewitt asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.


Friday, 12 March 2010

Wittgenstein's Grave

Find more videos like this on OPEN Fluxus

Inspired by Hazel's trip to Glossop with some students to celebrate Wittgensteins' kite flying trips. She takes some 1st years every Spring to make kites and fly them on the Moors. They go to the pub for lunch where Wittengenstein used to drink and do poetry readings and performance much to the alarm of the natives.

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

The Doctor's receptionist

.There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my d!ck."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."

The receptionist replied, "Now you' ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. ! Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't pi$$ out of it."

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose

Sunday, 7 March 2010

What would the neighbours think?

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack said to his wife, as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.


Thursday, 4 March 2010

Jimmy James

Another great old English comedian from the days of music hall and variety. Doing his famous "What Have You Got In That Box" routine. I have vague memories of it on TV in the 60's when Roy Castle was the barmy chap with the box.

Wikipedia says-

"Jimmy James was born James Casey on 20 May 1892 the eldest of four sons of Jeremiah Casey an iron puddler or steelmaker and Polly Gartland.[1] Many sources state he was born in Portrack, Stockton-on-Tees although other sources consider that he was born in South Bank, Middlesbrough and moved to Stockton-on-Tees at the age of seven in 1899. At the age of ten he won a boy soprano contest at the Stockton Hippodrome and shortly afterwards ran away, hitching a ride to Darlington to join a travelling show.The police located him a few years later at the age of twelve by which time he had become a seasoned performer. His father, an amateur clog dancer himself, encouraged his son's showbusiness talents.

At the Sunderland Empire Jimmy met Isabelle Darby a music hall dancer. Although Jimmy appeared on stage as a convincing drunk, often with a cigar or cigarette in his mouth, he was teetotal and did not smoke off stage. His weaknesses were gambling and his famed generosity which may account for his declared bankruptcies in 1936, 1955 and 1963. Jimmy was last on stage in 1964, retiring that year. He died in Blackpool of pulmonary congestion on 4 August 1965 following a heart attack and is buried in Oxbridge Cemetery, Stockton-on-Tees."

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Rules is rules!

Rules is Rules! ... HSE eat your ass out.....

Good news: It was normal day in Sharon Springs , KS, when a Union Pacific crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina .

The Bad news: Just a few miles into the trip a wheel bearing became overheated and melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the rail, creating white hot molten metal droppings spewing down to the rail.

The Good news: A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the train and immediately stopped the train in compliance with the rules.

The Bad news: The train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge with creosote ties and trusses.

The crew tried to explain to higher-ups but were instructed not to move the train!

They were instructed The Rules prohibit moving the train when a part is defective!


(Don't let common sense get in the way of a good disaster!)

*I am since advised by a reliable source that " The bridge will not be built of wooden bridge timbers this time around. It will be constructed of steel girders and cement and the span will be shortened considerably."

So it ends in mid-air this time round? BUT AT LEAST IT'S FIREPROOF!

Thanks Doc!